I fail
to remember the first time that I skipped a meal with harmful intentions, but I
do remember that I met Ana the Summer before 7
th grade. It had
started out as a portion-control-and-exercise diet, but it progressed. “If I
exercise for longer and eat less than I have been, I’ll lose weight even
faster,” I’d believe. That “longer” exercise evolved into over-exercising while
the “less” amounts of food transformed into nonexistent amounts of food. Some
days, I would eat something small. Others, I ate nothing at all. Things were
already out of hand, but once I hit 8
th grade, they were massively
uncontrolled and getting worse.
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| Me during the summer before 8th grade |
As my mental illness progressed, I
found more and more pleasure when I’d starve and more and more shame and hate
when I’d eat (even small snacks). Because of this hatred toward myself, I’d
soon find myself greeting a new friend. I “slipped up” and ate something one
day in October of ’08. Shame inundated my mind, haunting me from the first bite
until I made that first step in this new direction. I forced myself to vomit.
That was the first day with Mia. At first, it was every other day. Before I
knew it, it was every day,
several times
a day. Whether I ate a meal or if I took a small bite out of something, I’d
purge. These purges weren’t just long enough to get the food out; they were
much, much longer. I’d throw up until all of what I had eaten was out, and then
I’d purge some more. My sign to stop was when my hands wouldn’t stop shaking,
my throat and head hurt too much, and when dehydration kept me from standing.
Usually.
If I hadn’t have gotten saved the
following February in ’09, I’d be long gone. I wouldn’t have lasted more than
three months after that day. Once I found Jesus, I started eating again and
keeping it down. It was really hard to see myself gain weight, but I knew I
couldn’t live like that anymore. Unfortunately, because my metabolism took such
a toll due to the eating disorder (which would more clearly be defined as
EDNOS), my body stored most of it as fat first. I gave over my eating disorders
to God, but I hadn’t given Him my self-worth issues so I continued to hate the
way that I looked. I began to notice that I needed to go onto a diet and
exercise to be sure to not become over-weight, but I was paralyzed with fear
that I’d backslide. A few times, I had started to trust myself, but only to
find that I’d start the same pattern back up. So, I abandoned the idea because
I’d rather hate the way that I looked than to slowly kill myself and feed my
self-loathing.
This summer (’12) break (that is
now coming to a close) brought a whole new chapter. I decided that I wanted more out of life. I
wanted to lose weight and become more active so I decided to do the Atkins diet.
Since I knew of my past failures with my diet attempts, I had to monitor my
eating habits closely and restrict how often I’d work out. I lost five pounds
in the first week and hadn’t developed any unhealthy patterns. After a few
weeks, I had lost ten pounds and was super excited. First off, it was nice to
lose weight. Second, I was losing weight without starving myself! For those of
you who have never had an eating disorder, you may not understand how weighty
that step was for me, but it was pretty ground-breaking. I’ve been set free
from self-worth issues (which will be told in a later blog) and I have been
victorious over eating disorders. This Summer hasn’t brought just a new chapter
with my self-image, it has transformed who I am and how I will live the rest of
my life: Free.
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| From left to right: Me, Storm Whitaker, and Jelly Sullins |
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