Overcome, Or Be Overcome.

            Ever since I’ve been alive, I have always been one of those incredibly (and, at times, idiotically) brave people. For example, most little kids catch butterflies. Not me, that was far too safe. I caught bumble bees. That’s just begging to get hurt.  I’ve always enjoyed the excitement and challenge of staring fear in the eyes. Whether it was climbing trees or doing stupid stunts on an ATV, you could always bet on me doing something that taunted all fears. I’ve always thought of myself as invincible. I thought that fear could never stop me.

            The beginning of 2012 proved to me that I had let that statement become untrue. Cowardice ran and ruled my life. Fear gripped my heart like tightly wrapped chains; I was paralyzed. I avoided several things because I was afraid of how it would turn out. I wanted to lose weight, but was afraid of relapsing with Anorexia and Bulimia (like I had with every previous attempt). Was becoming closer with one of my friends, but was afraid because I had just had a best friend walk out of my life. Had numerous ideas come to mind that I wanted to try, but didn’t because I feared failure. Wanted to get back to being myself (for I had let people tell me who I needed to be), but I wouldn’t because I didn’t want to see more people reject me. Immobile and terrorized, I lived in a box that kept me within false securities.

            I could tell you that I had a great vision or revelation spoken to me, but in all honesty, I didn’t. I have no real guidelines, scripts, or 12-step programs; just two words: Step forward. If you ever want fear to stop overcoming you, you have to overcome it. Did you know that because of Christ, you are stronger than any fear? It’s true! Until you realize that, you won’t find freedom. It’s fear or freedom, you have to choose.

Because I am sick of complacency, I have chosen freedom these past few months. I have been losing weight by being on a healthy diet. I have another best friend who has just been completely amazing. I have confidence in being myself again and am not afraid of failing (even when I screw up really badly!). All of these victories started with a step. I fell at times, yes, but every time that I did, I got back up. Every time that fear knocked me to my knees, I returned to my feet and whispered under my breath, “I am stronger.”

There have been days that I’ve wanted to go back to the familiar chains that fear offered, but I keep my eyes on the Promise land, the life without slavery. Today, we all have a choice of freedom. It is always just one step away. Look fear in the eyes, take a deep breath, step forward with the courage of Christ, and overcome. You have now defeated and overcome fear.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'” -- Eleanor Roosevelt

The Victory, The Freedom

                I fail to remember the first time that I skipped a meal with harmful intentions, but I do remember that I met Ana the Summer before 7^th grade. It had started out as a portion-control-and-exercise diet, but it progressed. “If I exercise for longer and eat less than I have been, I’ll lose weight even faster,” I’d believe. That “longer” exercise evolved into over-exercising while the “less” amounts of food transformed into nonexistent amounts of food. Some days, I would eat something small. Others, I ate nothing at all. Things were already out of hand, but once I hit 8^th grade, they were massively uncontrolled and getting worse.

Me during the summer before 8th grade

As my mental illness progressed, I found more and more pleasure when I’d starve and more and more shame and hate when I’d eat (even small snacks). Because of this hatred toward myself, I’d soon find myself greeting a new friend. I “slipped up” and ate something one day in October of ’08. Shame inundated my mind, haunting me from the first bite until I made that first step in this new direction. I forced myself to vomit. That was the first day with Mia. At first, it was every other day. Before I knew it, it was every day, several times a day. Whether I ate a meal or if I took a small bite out of something, I’d purge. These purges weren’t just long enough to get the food out; they were much, much longer. I’d throw up until all of what I had eaten was out, and then I’d purge some more. My sign to stop was when my hands wouldn’t stop shaking, my throat and head hurt too much, and when dehydration kept me from standing. Usually.

If I hadn’t have gotten saved the following February in ’09, I’d be long gone. I wouldn’t have lasted more than three months after that day. Once I found Jesus, I started eating again and keeping it down. It was really hard to see myself gain weight, but I knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. Unfortunately, because my metabolism took such a toll due to the eating disorder (which would more clearly be defined as EDNOS), my body stored most of it as fat first. I gave over my eating disorders to God, but I hadn’t given Him my self-worth issues so I continued to hate the way that I looked. I began to notice that I needed to go onto a diet and exercise to be sure to not become over-weight, but I was paralyzed with fear that I’d backslide. A few times, I had started to trust myself, but only to find that I’d start the same pattern back up. So, I abandoned the idea because I’d rather hate the way that I looked than to slowly kill myself and feed my self-loathing.

            This summer (’12) break (that is now coming to a close) brought a whole new chapter.  I decided that I wanted more out of life. I wanted to lose weight and become more active so I decided to do the Atkins diet. Since I knew of my past failures with my diet attempts, I had to monitor my eating habits closely and restrict how often I’d work out. I lost five pounds in the first week and hadn’t developed any unhealthy patterns. After a few weeks, I had lost ten pounds and was super excited. First off, it was nice to lose weight. Second, I was losing weight without starving myself! For those of you who have never had an eating disorder, you may not understand how weighty that step was for me, but it was pretty ground-breaking. I’ve been set free from self-worth issues (which will be told in a later blog) and I have been victorious over eating disorders. This Summer hasn’t brought just a new chapter with my self-image, it has transformed who I am and how I will live the rest of my life: Free.

From left to right: Me, Storm Whitaker, and Jelly Sullins